A Mother's Day Message - About Adoption

About a year ago I built a facebook page and within a month I received an email asking if I was born on a particular date and if I was adopted. The fact was…yes I was born on that date and… yes I am adopted.


They were searching for a girl born to a young woman in 1967 who gave up her child so that the child would have a chance at having a good life in a home with two parents. This mother to this day thinks about her daughter daily and would do almost anything to find her. I was not that daughter.

In the process of responding to this inquiry I had an ongoing conversation with the friend who explained that the mother feels so badly about giving up her child that to this day she worries about her. I wrote her back asking her to forward this message to her:

When I was a little girl the first book I learned how to read was about adoption. The book taught that when a child was adopted they were chosen. They were chosen to be special children who could bring happiness to a family and they were chosen to be loved by more than one mommy.

In grade school I was very open about being adopted. I remember a classmate of mine, Mary, talking to me during recess one day and she asked me if it was weird being adopted. I said “no, I was chosen…I know that my parents want me because they chose me.”

In high school I wondered about my birth mother and by 18 I wondered how a mother could give up a child. At 21 I was asked at a retreat how I felt about my birth mother, I responded "she gave me life, and then she gave me 'a' life by giving me up for adoption.

At 25 I dreamed of having a child, and understood the responsibilities of having one...thus gaining a new respect for my birth mother. At 31 the desire to have a child dissolved, the realization of financial stability & relationship stability and its importance to raising a child was understood much more clearly and wanting to have both of those things before bringing a child into the picture became imperative.


At 35 I started looking into adopting a child myself. At 38 I started photographing children released from custody for adoption and realized how many beautiful children desire to be loved and to be ‘chosen’.

Now at 42, I know and understand that wherever my birth mother is, whatever she is doing, thinking, or feeling...that I appreciate her more than words can ever convey...


She gave me life…and then she gave me 'a' life.

My adoptive parents gave me a great childhood with a stable home on a dairy farm, a dog, cats, and plenty of fresh air. I had parents who loved each other and danced in the kitchen. We went to church every Sunday, I had a tree house, and as many trips to the library as I wanted for books upon books upon books.

I had nice cloths (not name brands...but nice) I had a great education, an older brother (also adopted), and a full extended family.  I went to college and my parents never stepped on my dreams...in fact they built them.


I have had my own business for over 15 years now and even though I never married and don't have kids of my own, I feel like my life is full.


Hate for my birthmother...was never...never...never an emotion I felt as an adopted child.

Desire to someday meet her...came on and off during the years.

Just because an adopted child may not be looking for the birth mother doesn't mean that they don't have love or interest in their birth mother. It may simply mean that they had a nice childhood, a wonderful family that surrounds them, and may be afraid that they could 'interrupt' the birth mothers life. Every case is unique, every situation is different...but I truly believe in my heart of hearts that a birth mother who chooses to give up her child for any reason...does it with love.

I am publishing this letter and article this mother’s day in memory of both of my mom’s. My mom Mary (and dad Francis) who adopted me despite the Catholic adoption services warnings that there might be health problems…and for the mother I’ve never met.

After I graduated from high school my mom started asking me almost every Mother’s day if I thought about the woman who gave birth to me on that day. My answer was always…yes. Then the next question almost always followed…so if she ever gets into contact would you want to meet her? The answer was also the same…yes.

Each year as I said those two yes’s I could see the small tear in her eyes. I explained that I want to say thank you to my birth mother…because without her giving me life…I would have never been loved by you.

To all the birth mothers out there who wonder if we think about you on Mother’s day…we do. Happy Mother’s Day and thank you for giving us life.

To the mother’s who chose to raise a child…Thank you and Happy Mother’s Day…without you so many children would be like the kids I photograph for Adoption Resources of Wisconsin … all they really really want is a family that they belong to and a mommy who can love them and tuck them in at night.

My mom died of cancer over 10 years ago now. I held her hand and counted the seconds between each breath. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about both my Mom Mary, and my birthmother. God gave me a special gift by being born to one and raised by another that gift has a name in our society…adoption.